You may be thinking, “This blog’s about women overcoming underearning, why is Yvonne writing a post about child support?” It’s because it’s another area where women avoid taking steps to improve their financial lives. Today, nearly half of all marriages end in divorce and across the board, there’s been an increase in the number of unwed parents. Since women tend to be underearners, most single mothers literally can’t afford not to seek child support.
As the mother of a 5 years old son, I know that child-related costs don’t end with food, clothing and shelter. They also include health insurance and/or doctor fees; medicines; school activities; and before or after school care. Despite these costs, many single mothers voluntarily forgo child support.
I want to make my position very clear, not seeking child support is financially detrimental—especially if you’re struggling to make ends.
According to Carolyn Edgar , a NYC attorney, divorced mom and blogger, mothers don’t seek child support because they want to avoid dealing with the fathers. According to Edgar, “Courts don’t link child support with visitation, but a man who is paying child support will expect and demand visits, which may be uncomfortable for the woman.”
Marjorie Bostwick a Florida-based life coach for single mothers says, “The child support office gives you the run around and can become time consuming. When I transferred from one state to another it took a year before they called me in for an appointment.”
A disgruntled ex or an ineffective child support office are real issues for single mothers. However I’m still not sold that they override the financial imperatives of raising children. A mother who is not receiving child support will likely have to work more hours, which means she spends less time with her kids. In the alternative, this mother could just expect her children to make do with less. Both scenarios are problematic if her children’s father is able-bodied and gainfully employed in the Unites States.
Both parents have an emotional and a financial responsibility to their children. The end of a relationship or a marriage doesn’t terminate those responsibilities.
To apply for child support requires going to your local social services office. In most instances you will need the following information: the father’s Social Security number, address, last known employer and if possible, a picture. If you and the father weren’t married it helps if you have paternity papers and he has signed the child’s birth certificate.
Making child support arrangements outside the court system is a risky move. In these instances the mother can only pray that her ex makes consistent payments. Edgar says, “The parties can always agree to accept less/pay more than formulas dictate, but best for it to be done through the courts so the payer has a record of payment, and the recipient has an enforceable order.”
I won’t lie, there are deadbeat dads . Men can lose also their jobs or they can choose to work off-the-books. All of this means that obtaining a child support order doesn’t guarantee that you’ll see any money. However women have to actively pursue financial opportunities that will benefit their lives. In the instance of child support, the lives of a woman’s children can be greatly enhanced by the additional money that comes into her household.
Let me know what you think.
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Photo Credit: HuNo (Off & On)
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
My experience with child support has been that the state agencies are much more aggressive about pursuing non-custodial parents IF the custodial parent receives state aid because it lessens the amount the state pays to support that mother and child. Because I never have, it took me a good amount of time to get the state to file an order seeking initial support. Modifications to the order are also difficult to pursue. I filed for modification in September 2009 and as of today, the state has yet to set a court date, though they have found the time to send an apology noting that their system is woefully behind.
I know I screwed myself when I left my ex because I just could not face him in court – I am a domestic violence survivor and when I left I gave him the house, did not go after his 401k (we were married 20 years) and agreed to no child support with the caveat that we split expenses such as tuition, summer camp, travel (my daughter was in college across the country), non-insurance covered medical expenses, etc. Needless to say, I got the short end of the stick because he pays half of my son’s tuition and pays the karate school fees (which I don’t even think my son still wants to train in) and that is it. For my daughter’s last two years of college, he contributed nothing to her tuition, travel and living expenses. Summer camp for my son, nothing. Glasses, doctor visits, nothing. You get the picture. However, we are free of his day to day crap so I will always look at that as the benefit.
I do know that I can go at anytime to file for child support & just because I did not do it then does not mean my son will not get it now. For a while, I believe I suffered from post traumatic stress disorder and anything having to do with my ex gave me anxiety; that is one of the reasons I did not pursue it. Now, I’m just of the mind frame that we can make it without him so good riddance. He sees our son on the days we agreed upon and that’s about that. I mean really, the last time my son was with him, his father claimed he didn’t have $10 to get him a haircut. I can’t waste my time fighting with fools. Is it a struggle financially? Yes, but honestly it was a struggle financially when I was married and we are better off now than we were then – financially & emotionally.
I don’t know, if things get really bad, will I go to court? Maybe. I know I have that option but for now I rather live in the peace that I have.
Thanks LB and Shah for your comments. As I acknowledged in the posts there are indeed obstacles to actually receiving child support, including the children’s fathers and the social service agencies. That being said for most women I believe that for the long term the money chase is worth it for their children.
In the cases where women are literally running to escape abusive relationships child support may not be their paramount concern. It’s however incumbent on ALL women to aggressive in lobby their elected officials to streamline the child support process and work more quickly to get money to the children.